Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in scatteredmedium's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, April 26th, 2005
8:07 pm	Goodbye I'm done with this journal. It was made clear to me after the last entry exactly how many people read this while I was still writing in it. I appreciate that you all care about me. I don't want you in my head. I've got enough people talking to me about my problems. Enough people tiptoing around me. I don't need you guys reading about my inner workings. I don't need to have anyone else inside my head. If I wanted you inside my head, I would have given you express permission. And for the one person I did give express permission to, I apologize. That was my mistake. I didn't realize how uncomfortable it would make me. This journal is henceforth decommisioned. It's been nice. Ok, maybe not. Sara (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 12th, 2005
5:21 pm	SHIT. You know, I think I have a real problem. The beginning of this is going to sound kinda silly. I lost 10 pounds. Like, honestly lost them and kept them off between the cruise and now. I did it five pounds at a time, 5 by February, and I just randomly weighed myself again, and I have lost another 5. You might say that that's great. You might say that I'm finally getting my act together and losing the weight I need to. That's what you might say. Then I started eating. Ever since I found out that I lost ten pounds, I've been eating. At first, it was an "Ok, I've done great. I've lost ten pounds. I can relax a little." But then I kept eating. And eating. And eating. I realized how wrong all of this was when I saw myself looking at the weight watchers spam in my inbox. And you know what? The articles I read almost made me cry. Because I was in them. I don't know what to do. I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I'm not sure why. I guess I just don't want to be judged. I really don't want to be in another statistical group. I'm in enough of them. Why couldn't I be a little more average? Why was I abused? Why am I abused? Why am I a lesbian? Why am I atheist? Why. Why... yeah. I'm not going to label myself in that regard. It's a little more than I can handle right now. Can't even type it. FUCK. I'm either going to make my own diet plan, or I'm going to join weight watchers. I want to try my own first. FUCK. And to top all of that, I've been talking to Stephen again, and its really fucking with my head. FUCK. And then there's Alex... DAMN. I guess that the over-all theme of this episode is SHIT. -Sara Current Mood: worried and confused (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 23rd, 2005
6:47 pm	"Self-centered Bitch" is such a harsh phrase. You know, this has stopped being to other people, and has started being about me. One of my decently good friends, Reggie, asked for my LJ name, and I cleverly ducked out of giving it to him. I've bared myself here, and I don't want people seeing. Not even Nathaniel knows about my LJ, and I wish I hadn't told Julie. This is my me place. I don't want another human being looking through my inner workings and issues. I don't want comments about how "That's too bad you were molested. If you look to Christ, your pain will go away." I don't want to look to Christ, I don't want to move on with my life and forget it ever happened, and I don't want to cut off every dick in the state of Georgia as revenge. I want to deal with my issues. I want to move on with my life in a healthy way. I want to be able to look at spirituality with something other than abject terror. I want to be able to look at men and not feel like throwing up. I know I'm not attracted to them, but I think it's ridiculous to not be able to look at a man without his shirt on as anything but a disgusting threat. I want to be healthy. I want to go back to the level I was at when I was four. Hold on, let me finish. That's before my parents started fighting, right after my brother was born. I had my best friend, Kristen Camp, and I had my dog, Lady. I didn't play with Lady much because she jumped too much, but I did find Pinky, my favorite little snake, in the woods. I was a natural leader then, and I came up with all of the games. I rode my tricycle, drew with chalk, learned to read for treats of strawberries, and I watched Fraggle Rock. I lost my pumpkin hat when I was trick-or-treating, and made my father go get it. Michael, the neighbor who watched me once in a while taught me that if you lick a cut and then go really fast on the swings, it doesn't hurt much. I played Zeliard on the computer, back when DOS wasn't something you pulled up in a window, but rather the way to get into Windows. Michael and Angel, his older sister, gave me an 'interview' with the monster who lived under the bed and ate the toys that I didn't put away at night. Each of them had a walkie-talkie, and they took turns. I knewit was them and told them so, but they kept going until I was giggling hysterically. I played with craw-dads and ants, built forts with the couch cushions and read book after book - Go Dog Go was always my favorite. Most importantly, no one belittled me. No one told me I wasn't good enough. No one told me I was dumb, or a liar, or worthless, or nothing but a sex toy for men. No one told me that things could be un-alright, so they had to be alright. No one told me that people try to hurt you sometimes, and that they're doing it to be mean. No one told me that when people bullied you it didn't matter. That bullies had no bearing on who you are. That sometimes your friends move on to play with the older boys, and that when they do, they'll be mean to you in front of them to show off. That crab apples and granny smiths were not the same thing. That not everyone around you doesn't eat ham, and that you shouldn't talk about not eating ham in public. That the neighborhood is not as safe as Mr. Rogers would lead you to believe. That life isn't fair, and usually doesn't make sense, but that we have to keep going in spite of it all. That life is worth living when you think you're worthless. That people who tell you all of these bad things are really talking to themselves when they call you worthless. Why couldn't someone tell me any of this stuff? Why can't I seem to understand it now. I started off so proud and sure of myself, but between my 'friends' and my 'father,' my self-esteem, self-worth, and belief that life can be good were sucked out of me rather quickly. I saw moving to a new house after the divorce as an adventure until the molestation started. I saw moving away from Clearwater as a relief, until I moved into Lantern Ridge and met the gangs. I saw moving into the latest house as another distraction from the horror of life. We were getting a dog that I hated, moving into a neighborhood right across the street from Clearwater, and leaving my only friend. I proceeded down the road of suicide and depression, going without friends for the most part. I had a couple of people I hung out with, and that was ok until it got too big. Then my social anxiety showed up: you're most likely to be ridiculed if you're in a big group, you're going to stand out, you're going to get hurt, people are going to run away from you again. After that, I spent most of my time in introspection and trying to find friends who would belittle me. Thuy is a prime example. I sought her out because she seemed like she was so much better than me. She seemed like she was professional, like she was driven and intellegent. I saw in her the things that I knew I couldn't see in myself, because I didn't think that they were there. I was positive that I was going to fail in life, so I might as well be close to someone great while she would tolerate me. She constantly picked at me, giving me exactly what I wanted: another reason to kill myself. Wow... this has gone places I wasn't prepared to go. I need to go think a bit. -Sara (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 5th, 2005
6:55 pm	Dates You know, dating is good. It gets you out, gets you friendly, gets you to meet new people... It's getting to be really fun. I had a date today, and I've got a second one on Thursday. Maybe another one on Friday. WOW!!!! I'M DATING!!! AT LONG LAST, I'M DATING!!! I'VE STOPPED BITCHING ABOUT BEING LONELY, AND I'M DATING!!!!!! Yeah... Nathaniel isn't home, and Julie seems to have dropped me. That hurts a little still, but I'm getting over it. In any case, I didn't really have anyone except for my parents to talk to, and they aren't exactly good for gushing to. I mean, I did a little bit of gushing earlier to Mom, but somehow it just wasn't satisfying. Not that this is satisfying either... Let's talk about Julie ditching our friendship. We've talked like twice in the last month. Both times, I called her. She said earlier this year that she was going to be dropping her friends because she had too much on her plate. Well, she's dropped me, but everytime I've talked to her, she's been either with Tyler, going to Tyler, or coming from Tyler. I understand that he's got a car, but I've got 4 years of history. If that hasn't got any weight at all, then we have different veiws of friendship, and the obligation that friends have. She is no longer there for me, but when she calls me, crying because she saw American Beauty, I'm supposed to listen to and comfort her. I think I'm going to draw a line. If, of course, she deigns to call me back. I understand she's busy, but I think I deserve at least twenty minutes a week. At first, I cried. Then I was angry. Now, I'm just sad. I wish that she would at least call me long enough to say that she's really busy and can't really take time to talk to me, but that she got my call and isn't ignoring me. That's what it feels like at this point. It feels like she's ignoring me. Maybe I'm a tie to Rick. I know that she's a tie to my insanity. Same with Robyn. I was just hoping to avoid Julie slipping out of my life like Robyn has. At least I have friends to replace her now, though. I've made a ton of them. None of them have the level of meaning that Julie used to, and still does to a certain extent, but I'm sure that some of them will get there. I mean, maybe I should even keep L (that's the girl I was out with today--not her full name, but still) as a friend, not a love-interest. Hell, I don't even know if she thought of today as a date! I might need to make friends before I get into a real relationship. Of course, if she was just looking for someone to screw, that would be fine. I'd love to trade back massages and oral for rides to NERO and reciprocal oral. By the way, she's a LARPer, and I met her before at NERO, and she gave me a carved gryphon. I dunno. But, in any case, I'm getting out, getting friends and having a lot of fun. Who knew antiquing could be so much fun? Signing off, Sara (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 25th, 2005
7:42 pm	Deranged Disorder | Rating Paranoid: High Schizoid: Moderate Schizotypal: Very High Antisocial: High Borderline: Very High Histrionic: High Narcissistic: Moderate Avoidant: Very High Dependent: Very High Obsessive-Compulsive: High URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/disorder_information2.html You know, if I weren't already diagnosed, I would be worried about that. I have Bipolar disorder (type 2 FYI), PTSD from molestation and various parental neglections and abuses, ADHD, and Generalized Anxiety disorder. Beyond that, I have some serious issues with relationships and sexuality in general that my WONDERFUL therapist is helping me with. Well, in the words of a famous tigger.... TTFN, TATA FOR NOW! Sara (Comment on this)
Monday, January 24th, 2005
9:39 pm	JOSH NOLAND IS A SLIMY SON OF A BITCH. His last name is Noland, his first name is Josh, and he's a slimy son of a bitch who deserves to have things burned in his front yard, bed, and ass. Find him. Harass him. Hate him. Burn dog shit on his porch. BUT LEAVE THE BEATINGS FOR ME! No... I'm BSing again. I'm never going to find the guts and the stupidity in the same place at the same time, especially not when I'm actually in a place where I can do whatever nefarious plot I come up with at the time. Though it would be awfully nice to find him and hurt him a little, then make sure he understood FULLY the impact he has had on my life, and why it is a bad thing that he had this impact. *sigh* Well, here's to term papers, government teachers, stupid communication assignments, and pointless essays. Some of those are more fond than others. I love my government teacher and the term paper is actually lots of fun to write. I'm getting to go into semantics, and we all know how Sara likes words. Oh. Before I go, I started talking to Alex again. I mean, not sitting there asking each other how life's been for the last two months since we never talk. I mean TALKING. We sat there for over an hour just talking and laughing and analyzing. Then he got a call from his aunt and I had to go write this GODFORSAKEN essay for my comm teacher. He could have picked a better topic than the old "How do you propose to get an A in this course?" Gyack. And that's free to be quoted, stoled, and made fun of. On more interesting notes, I'm going to Rocky for my birthday, which is, coincidentally, Thursday. I'm going to get offline now before things make either more or less sense. See ya, Sara (Comment on this)
Friday, January 21st, 2005
8:56 pm	Spirituality I've been an atheist for so long, I'm not even sure where to begin in my search for belief. I'm an atheist out of lack of having proof dropped into my lap that there is a/are god(s). I'm pretty sure there's something out there that's higher on the food-chain than us, but I think it would be presumptuous of us to label the first thing we see, hear, feel, or sense as a supreme being. It reminds me of... well, I'm not sure what it reminds me of, but it's not pleasant. Well, in any case, I'm searching for spirituality now. "I'm on a search for inspiration/in this land of remorse," and all that jazz. The world isn't that sad a place, and I guess I'm just looking for something to boost my already good moral. Maybe I'm just lonely. Heh... no maybe about it. I'm really lonely. I mean, I kinda ache. I've made two new friends and they're both theatre techies who work for the school. It's kinda disappointing when you go your whole life not fitting in and expect to have a whole new experience in college, and are sadly disappointed. The older I get, the more I see that people are the same no matter what their ages. Most people can never get past third grade mentality, and the ones who do are usually so full of themselves that they can't see the end of their noses. I'm being unfair again. And I like it. (Just kidding.) People are generally good. I almost wrote that I've never had someone totally fuck me over, but then I realized that I promised myself not to lie in this one. ANYWAY! I started this on spirituality, and by *chuckles* god it's going to end that way! When I started my 'road to enlightenment' it was in the third grade when I started going to Hebrew school. I was embraced in this society of children whose parents didn't let them have ham sandwiches for lunch either! I was learning this whole new language and I was even better than everyone else at it, and it was fun! In any case, The religious fervor just kinda built until my Bat Mitzvah, when I had a truly spiritual experience. It kinda made me dizzy, but I felt this incredible connection with something important. Something bigger than myself. Looking back it was probably the community sitting in the pews, looking at me on the Bimah, waiting for me to read my parsha. In any case, my fervor kinda plateaued after that. Eventually, I asked the question. I was sitting in the sanctuary with Allison McLaughlin, trying to diligently follow the service. Allison was next to me writing notes to me and such, and I kept on telling her not to. Then, right after the service, I asked her what she was doing. She said that it didn't matter what she was doing. She was there, and that counted, right? That upset me enough that I, as a 13 year old, demanded of the Rabbi why we were taught nothing but stories. Why they didn't raise us better. Why they wasted our childhoods with fable with no resolution, punishment, reward, meaning... that was what I was thinking, but all that came out was "Why are we taught nothing but stories as children. Is there nothing else that we could be taught of morality?" Needless to say, Rabbi Lebow was a bit taken aback, not only because I was 13, but because I had been showing off the totally normal exterior that I can for so long. I was truly devout, a truly good person, and I'm sure he couldn't imagine what complaint I could have against my upbringing. He told me that they taught us stories and hoped it was enough. That there was nothing else that they could do. It was in that moment that I stopped believing. It was a gradual process from that point, of course, but my belief was more in my Rabbi than in my god. And if Rabbi Lebow had been putting up a charade all this time, then what could I expect of all the rest of the people out there? He was the one truly good person I could think of, the only person I could say in my heart that had never done me wrong, and he had been lying to every single one of my classmates, AND NONE OF THEM KNEW IT. Not a single boy or girl knew or cared. I tried telling some of them, and they looked at me like I had three heads on each my hands. Well, I tried being a madricha - student teacher, or more literally a teacher helper - in the hopes of helping at least one of those kids become the Jew that I could have been if I hadn't lost my faith. I inspired a few of them, earned hatred from a few more, and bribed the rest with candy to learn their prayers. I did very well. I was Madricha of the year and worked there for nearly four years before I came apart at the seams. I never let one of them think that I wasn't Jewish. I was, to them and the rest of the community, the best Jew that there ever was. I was helpful, I was dedicated to the community, I helped the kids, I went above and beyond, and I felt like I was lying through my teeth every minute of it. Well, meanwhile in the bat cave... I met Julie Mocko. She changed my life not only by saving it, but leading me towards spirituality. I'm not sure how I feel about those years. Half of me remembers them as events from a tortured past, and the other half of me is sure they were nothing but delusions. They have all the elements of a video game, without the happy ending. Then again, so does real life much of the time. Well, we'll just call it mundane life for now. It started off as a game for me. Then I got more and more drawn in. It all became more part of me than the rest of me was. I don't know if it was spirituality taken to an unhealthy level because I was totally nuts, or if it was all in my head to begin with. I'm also not sure which one of those options is making my stomach do flips right now. I'm not sure which one is upsetting me. I'm not sure which one is going to be in my nightmares tonight. Probably the one that was mixed reality. For some reason, the idea that all of that could be real scares me more than anything else. It scares me that I could have been fueled my that much evil. It really scares me that I might be the medium that I once claimed to be. It scares me shitless. AND I'M SEEING IT ALL AGAIN. That entire cycle. The tantric darkness, the seductive evil. Kaitlyn was using a pendulum last time we were together, and it started turning sexual, and then it refused to answer who it was. Whether it was of the light. And it scared me shitless, even though I don't believe. Or do I... That's what this entry was really about. My search for spirituality. Again. I don't know if I was looking to escape it or find it. I guess I want something wholesome and - I struggled to find a word for a minute or two here - just plain good. I want something good, of the light, pure, right, nice. So. Any thoughts? Comments? Questions? Pointers, pendulums, or plum pits? Signing off- Sara Current Mood: Thoughtful Current Music: DJ Neil, Deceived. (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 9th, 2005
9:22 pm	Living as a Neutral Force I neither Push nor do I resist Life is really neutral right now. It's kinda interesting. I'm wondering what's going to come up next, and how my life is going to turn out for the next bit. I'm really.... calm I guess. Beyond that, here are the developments from the last entry. Stephen and I were talking again, and then he made the mistake of pissing me off to the point that I refuse to speak to him. It's rather interesting. Next time he calls, I'm going to hang up. Especially if it's in the next couple of days. I really wish that I had caller ID. It would be so nice to know when to just let it ring. Oh well. We all have our hopes and dreams. He keeps on making everything ok, and then ruining it. I wish he would simply leave it alone once it's good, not ruin it with stupid remarks and suggestions that we have one of the clauses where if neither of us is married by 40... yeah. I met someone named Paul, and he's incredible. He's been dating Julie's ex, Tyler, and I met him at her Christmas party. He and Kaitlyn and I went to her bedroom, barricaded the door and had full body massage, tarot, chakra readings, and a general circle of trust and healing. Then we sat down and snuggled for around an hour. It was so nice, so peaceful and comforting. I was glowing for two weeks. Absolutely incredible. And beyond being all glowy and happy, it made me turn to spirituality again, no matter how provisionally. I never realized how much I hated being an atheist. And I mean, don't get me wrong. I don't believe in the typical almighty 'God.' I think that there are probably entities out there who are more powerful and wiser (not that that one's too hard to acheive) than us, but they are far from omnipotent. NEVER GO ON A CARNIVAL CRUISE!!!!!! They pack 2600 people on a ship built for 2000, have shitty activities, and they sailed during a time when there were 18 foot waves and 60 mph winds. I got incredibly sick, they cancled our trip to the Grand Caymens, and didn't even give us extra time in Cozumel. The food was terrible and the pool was just over 3 feet deep. The library had nothing but smut and textbooks and the only fun thing on the ship was the casino. The best part of the entire trip was the chocolate cake that you had to buy with additional money to the 300 some-odd that you have to pay to climb on the god-forsaken ship. The "Mexican Folkloric" presentation was ballet and reggae, with mexican instruments. The ballet was pretty, but it was most certainly not Mexican. Dad and I are ok at the moment. So are Mom and I. I'm waiting for one of them to turn, but I'll enjoy the peace while it lasts. Well, beyond all of that, well, everything's just kinda here. I'm going to be starting school far too early tomorow morning, and trying to finish up my incompletes while I finish my homework. Signing off, Sara Current Mood: naughty Current Music: Even more, you guessed it, random techno (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 12th, 2004
8:49 pm	Roller coasters and ferris wheels You know, my moods... well, quite frankly, they scare me. A lot. I never know who I'm going to be from minute to minute. It's always a game of chance. Should I make plans for a week from now? What if I'm crashed and it's a party? What if I'm manic and it's a formal occasion? What do I do? Should I just stop living my life? Not make plans until the day before, when I can effectively predict my swings for the next twenty-four hours? Or should I ignore that I swing? Drive myself manic or depressive as needed? Have my situation control my mood instead of allowing my mood to control my situation? God… Listen to me. All these “What if?”s. Well, how about this one for you? What if I were to simply stop writing in here and start living my life? What if I was to go a little further with the inspiration that I’ve gained from my closest and dearest friends, and go out there and do what I need to and what I want to? I think I will. Oh yeah. Just to update you a bit… I’ve decided to try Wicca again, and I think it was meant to be this time. I went to my grandparents’ Chanukah party, and one of my “first cousins once removed’ (as my father just informed me she is) Louise gave me a couple of books. One of them was a historical fiction. The other was a book about witches. I think that I’ve made the right choice. *grins* Yeah… just maybe. Well, this is Sara, signing off. See ya Current Mood: amused Current Music: Lisa Loeb, Cake and Pie (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 9th, 2004
8:01 pm	I never I never went to that lesbian bar. I'm not getting that car. I'm getting a hardship withdrawal, not incompletes. I'm not going to find Josh, and I never want to look at him again. I want all of this to go away so I can be normal. Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
7:45 pm	X= done it _= haven't Play "I Never" at your next party. (X) I NEVER HAVE BEEN DRUNK (_) I NEVER HAVE SCREWED AN ANIMAL (X) I NEVER HAVE SMOKED POT (X) I NEVER HAVE KISSED A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX (X) I NEVER HAVE KISSED A MEMBER OF THE SAME SEX (_) I NEVER CRASHED A FRIEND'S CAR (_) I NEVER HAVE BEEN TO JAPAN (X) I NEVER RODE IN A TAXI (_) I NEVER HAD ANAL SEX (X) I NEVER HAVE BEEN IN LOVE (X) I NEVER HAVE HAD SEX (_) I NEVER HAVE HAD SEX IN PUBLIC (X) I NEVER HAVE BEEN DUMPED (X) I NEVER HAVE SHOPLIFTED (X) I NEVER HAVE BEEN FIRED (X) I NEVER HAVE BEEN IN A FIST FIGHT (X) I NEVER HAD A THREESOME (X) I NEVER SNUCK OUT OF MY PARENT'S HOUSE (X) I NEVER HAVE BEEN TIED UP (SEXUALLY) (X) I NEVER BEEN CAUGHT MASTURBATING (X) I NEVER PISSED ON MYSELF (X) I NEVER HAD SEX WITH A MEMBER OF THE SAME SEX (_) I NEVER HAD SEX WITH A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX (_) I NEVER HAVE BEEN ARRESTED (X) I NEVER MADE OUT WITH A STRANGER (X) I NEVER STOLE SOMETHING FROM MY JOB (_) I NEVER CELEBRATED NEW YEARS IN TIME SQUARE (X) I NEVER WENT ON A BLIND DATE (X) I NEVER LIED TO A FRIEND (X) I NEVER HAD A CRUSH ON A TEACHER (_) I NEVER CELEBRATED MARDI-GRAS IN NEW ORLEANS (X) I NEVER BEEN TO EUROPE (X) I NEVER SKIPPED HIGH SCHOOL CLASSES (_) I NEVER SLEPT WITH A CO-WORKER (_) I NEVER HAVE BEEN FISTED AND/OR HAVE NEVER FISTED ANYONE (_) I NEVER HAVE THROWN UP IN A BAR (_) I NEVER HAVE BEEN TO A PRO FOOTBALL GAME (_) I NEVER HAD SEX IN ANOTHER COUNTRY (_) I NEVER SPENT 36 HOURS ON VALENTINE'S DAY WITHOUT A SPECIAL SOMEONE (X) I NEVER CRIED AT A PARTY (X) I NEVER HAD A NOSEBLEED (X) I NEVER SMOKED A CIGARETTE (X) I NEVER LEARNED TO PLAY MAH JONG (X) I NEVER BEEN COMPLETLY NAKED IN PUBLIC You know, looking at my list, I see so many things that disappoint me. I swore I would never do most of the things on there in the way that I've done them, if at all. I'm starting to think that I do things subconsiously to make me hate myself. In fact I'm fairly sure of it. I HATE THIS. I HATE BEING NUT. I HATE BEING ON DRUGS. I HATE BEING A FAILURE IN MY OWN EYES, AND I HATE EVEN MORE BEING A FAILURE IN MY FAMILY'S EYES. I AHTE NOT HAVING ANYTHIGN TO FALL BACK ON. I HATE THIS, AND I WISH THAT IT WOULD ALL CHANGE, OR GO AWAY OR SOMETHING. ANYTHING BUT BEING HERE. I HATE IT HERE. I want to be ok again, and I don't know how. I'm totally lost here. I think I'd like to jump in front of a train. How does that make you feel? Shitty? Well, at least we're in the same boat. Current Mood: scared (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 8th, 2004
9:55 pm	Update I'm a chain smoker. I'm going nuts. My meds aren't working like they should. Dad's out of town and this kind of freedom scares me shitless. I had wings for dinner. I love my Emo glasses and I patched the hole in the ass of my favorite jeans. I'm passively suicidal. That means that I'd love it if someone would have the courtesy to push me in front of a bus. I'm trying to get an incomplete in my classes because I've had more swings than a playground. I hate smoking and I swore I would never do it. I'd love some pot. I'm trying to hunt down the piece of shit that molested me as a little girl, and I'k debating whether I want to phsyically beat the shit out of him, verbally abuse him, rape him with a broom, or simply see him, talk to him, and go home and cry. I told Nick about Mae. I felt really guilty for not telling him sooner. I'm living in a pile of shit ebcause I've been alternately depressive (too depressed to clean shit up) and manic (making shit to clean up later). I make a mean pasta salad. I'm thinking that I'm not a safe driver. I'm going to bed. Current Mood: depressive Current Music: More random techno (Comment on this)
Monday, November 15th, 2004
8:56 pm	Over the Rainbow Anyone know where I can get 600 free condoms by December 1st? Might be useful.... Anyhoo, what's going on in my young life (as my grandfather has always asked)? · I’m registered for all my classes for next semester: Anthropology, Spanish, English, Public Speaking, and College Algebra. I was going to take fencing, but it didn't work out. *sad eyes* · I’m actually going to my therapist tomorrow morning, and I’m going to potentially miss my psychology class, but hell… Psychology class….. Psychology session……… all the same thing… right? Right. I need sanity more than I need the class anyway. Of course, I need to go to class so that I can have my insurance so that I can have sanity so that I can do well in my classes so that I can afford sanity…. Yeah. You get it. · I’m in History and Politics, Over The Rainbow, and Theatre Club. I’m a politically active, lesbian thespian. · I might be getting a car for my birthday. Yet another putt-putt car, but supposedly it’s the best running one yet. Not that that’s saying so much… ^_~ Leave a comment with a suggestion for a name for this one. In case you missed the last two, they were Kwaneisha and Schaneikah, respectively. I’m looking for a change in culture, or perhaps even more ghetto supa-star. · I haven’t gotten any closer to coming to terms with either bi-polar or sexual abuse. Or my current parental abuse for that matter. We can pretend, though. That’s what I’ve been doing. · I’ve got full-blown carpal tunnel, and it’s not too fun. I’m going to have to go dig out the brace. I’ve also got such bad back issues at this point that I’m about to go make an appointment with a GP so that I can have a prescription for physical therapy. There’s not a decent chiropractor in my entire area. Oh what I wouldn’t give to have a half-way decent car…. Or bus systems in Marietta….. Or a father who loved me enough to take me up there twice a week…. Not that he should be reading this, mind you. Meh. Current Mood: bitchy Current Music: Random techno (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 31st, 2004
12:37 am	Pro-Bush, Anti-Shrub in 2004 Get our president out of office. And then come over here so I can sit on your face. I'm not going to go on a political spiel. I've done enough of those these past three years. Just get him out. Now. As far as REAL bush goes.... That I haven't gotten enough of. In fact, I haven't gotten any in WAY too long... You know what? You guys should totally get over here tonight. We can have a really good Halloween party. Just the two of us... we can make it if we try... just the two of us... you and I..... Or maybe the three of us... Nah. I'm not greedy. All kidding aside, though, I've been incredibly frustrated for the last few weeks. It's depressing not to have anyone to be with, and even more depressing when you finally get the guts up to go join a GLSA and everyone in there is either dating the other members or male. It's real damn frustrating. I really wish that I could just hook up with a friend... or possibly hoop-UP with a friend... I have one girl in particular who I've been with who I certainly wouldn't mind being with again. She's fun, sweet, and really really cute. And most importantly, she knows all about me and hasn't run away yet.... Well, we'll just sit on that one for a bit and see what comes of it... mmmm... sitting.... mmmmm...... ANYWAY.... I'm in college now, and it's really nice. It's enough like high school that I'm not totally lost, but it's different enough that it's not depressing. In fact, I like it. I really do. I know that I can and will do so much better than that shithole of a college, but it's a great place for me to start out at. I think I'll stay there a year or so and get my feet under me before I transfer. Sounds like a plan. Well, I don't think that I'm going to go over all the stuff that's been dredged out of my head in the last few weeks, because it hasn't settled to the bottom yet, but let's just say that I haven't seen my therapist in a bit. I can't deal with all the crap she keeps on bringing up. I mean, I know I'm paying her to do it, but it hurts a lot. And I mean, I still can't get up the nerve to tell her about Stevie and Josh. How the hell am I supposed to deal with all the shit that she brought to my attention? How am I supposed to understand it and cope with it? Am I supposed to have these skills? Do normal people? I certainly don't know how to cope with my past, present or future... no. That's an over-simplification. *sighs* Well, I'm going to go to bed now, leaving you hanging on my every word, wondering what the hell Suzie pulled out of my head last session. This whole suspense thing is fun and educational. Signing off, Sara (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 25th, 2004
11:46 am	Nostalgia I've been going through all of my journal entries, papers, notes, Xanga entries, and documents on my computer this week. It's been interesting. I look back on all the angst I made for myself, and I laughed and cried about it. How was I supposed to know that none of that shit was normal? I see now how manic-depressive I was, but hindsight is 20/20, right? I rehashed some of my journal entries with Jules, who is the one reason I'm still alive right now. We talked about the entry I had saying that I was distancing myself from all of my friends so that I could kill myself, and how she was the only problem. How she was the only one who wouldn't back off and give up on me. How she's always been there for me and loved me. And more importantly told me that she loved me. Well, all this nostalgia got her reminiscing about her long-term sexual abuse by her karate teacher. I was with her every step of the way on that one. I hurt with her, and I did the same thing that she did for me. I told her that I loved her, and I never gave up on her. I kept such difficult problems to a managable level for her. I should have told someone about them, but she made me promise not to, so I didn't. That was such a hellish period in both our lives. Neither of us was happy, and we were both keeping the other one from killing herself. I was failing in school, and she was over-acheiving because she felt that that was all that she had outside of me and her karate teacher. Yeah, that was certianly hell, and now I wonder how we stayed sane.... don't think about that one too hard! Just because we're two loons doesn't mean anything... we're functional now. And that's one of the few things that really counts. Yesterday, we spent the entire day like we used to. We were on the phone almost all day, laughing and creating inside jokes that you just had to be there for. Everytime one of us would start getting depressed, we'd bust out with another priceless joke, mispronunciation, perfect wording, or 'phrase that just got us both a one-way, first class ticket to hell.' (It's a small hole after all....., Religious people are either cool or they're not. But with un-religious people you can never tell......., Where are he?......., Time flies when you're in a coma........ Who the hell is Wichita?..... And that sentance was a perfect example of preconjunctification.) You know, if there was one person in this world that I would marry, as far as love goes, Julie would be her. She's straight, and I'm.... let's not even speculate right now. But other than that, we would be wonderful. We support each other, we could totally live with each other, we'd be great as a parenting team, we are both going into the same field, and we love each other more than anyone else in the world. You know, the more and more I think about this.... hrm...... *evil grin* I know what I'm doing for her birthday..... heh. Well, enough with all of this. I've got laundry to do, my room to clean, and a practical joke to plan. I'll try to update more regularly, but I'm not making any promises. *smiles* Jules is the only one that I make those to... (Comment on this)
Monday, September 13th, 2004
9:54 pm	School I've just finished registering for 12 hours of classes that start on October 20th at Perimeter College and University. I'm majoring in Psychology with the goal of therapy in mind. I'm depressed. I'm single, and I hate it. I'm leading my ex on (that's a really interesting story for some other time) just because he's there, and he hasn't gotten over me. I know it's immoral, but it feels good to have someone worship me. I'm reading Lady Chatterly's Lover. It's an incredible book, because in so many ways, every young woman is Connie. Especially those of us who have been abused and repressed and whatnaught. It's Rosh Hashannah tomorow night. What the hell is that? you may ask. It's the Jewish Ney Year. My father is Jewish. I'm anything but. It's going to be fairly stressful. I worked a 16 hour day yesterday. In case you were wondering, 16 hour days are hell, especially at a Waffle House. I've decided to quite my job the week before I start school. I can't afford to fuck up this time, and money comes way second to school. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 1st, 2004
5:54 pm	<img src="http://members.aol.com/kunoichi133/henry17.gif" align=left><a href="http://bunnysnoog.cyborgcow.net/index.html"> I adopted a cute lil' death fetus from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus! </a>     <A HREF="http://www.brunching.com/cgi/oralsexdonate.cgi?id=36348-1094076380"><IMG SRC="http://www.brunching.com/images/oralsexbutton.jpg" WIDTH=75 HEIGHT=45 BORDER=0 ALT="Oral Sex Donations Accepted"></A> (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 19th, 2004
6:44 pm	lonely Jessica: so hows life been treating you Sara: hrm... like I'm it's love slave... I'm tired of getting fucked over. Jessica: hmm... Jessica: that doesn't sound too good Jessica: what do you mean Sara: Every time I turn around, I've got one more expense that I can't quite cover, and my father isn't helping any more. I think he's trying to teach me a lesson, but all it's teaching me is to be cold, cynical, and penny-pinching. Jessica: hmm Sara: Beyond that, my friends at the Waffle House (who are single parents and work two and three jobs) are telling me that I don't have a social life, and I'm starting to realize that they're right. Sara: After that, I keep on missing buses and deadlines, usually through no fault of my own, and I'm a little sick of it. Jessica: completely understandable Jessica: what expenses Sara: Meds, doctors, schools, work... they're crawling out of corners and multiplying exponentially. Jessica: hmm... Sara: I'm about to go out looking for a second job, leaving me even less time to myself. Jessica: geez... I've decided to go out to a lesbian bar tomorrow night. Why would I be going to a lesbian bar when I have no idea of my sexual orientation, much less my personality at the moment, you ask? Because I need someone to lean on and to be comforted and guided by. Because I need other molested and abused women, and there are bound to be a few there. Did I just admit to being molested and abused? I think so. I also think that that's the closest I've gotten to the truth thus far. I don't want it to be the truth, though. I'm supposed to be sweet, slightly naive, kind, shy, fun, pretty, intellegent... all these things, and none of them have anything to do with being molested or abused. I'm just not supposed to be in my shoes. It's not supposed to apply to me. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 18th, 2004
10:57 am	Job Hunt I love my job. I know that sounds funny, given that I'm a Waffle House waitress (for those of you north of the Mason-Dixon line, go look at www.wafflehouse.com) but I do. I love the people I work with, I love serving food, I love talking with the customers, and I love the freedom of self-expression. I grew up a very reserved and private child, never realizing that it hurt me not to talk about myself. Now, I've gotten out into the real world, and begun to bloom. Now, I'm wondering if I'm not just terrified of making new friends and being out on my own, and am using Waffle House as a sort of therapeutic session focused on drawing myself out of my shell. Any thoughts? (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 15th, 2004
10:17 am	Stevie and Josh were friends In the middle of first grade, I moved from Paulding County to just across the street from Mom's house. I only had two friends, Stevie and Josh, and they weren't even really good friends. In fact, as I have come to realize, they were physically, emotionally, and get this, sexually abusive. Well, a couple of things happened that I just discounted until last week as being harmless little games and fun that shouldn't affect me all that badly. Last week something happened, which I'm not going to get in to, that made me freak out a lot and talk with Julie for a few hours. Not 2 or 3, but 5 or 8. That is when I realized that the identity that I have been clutching to for the longest time was not really a representation of who I was. I don't really have any conclusions. Quite frankly I'm scared shitless about being 'without an identity,' in a murderous rage at those two bastards for doing what they did, and really really... well, I'm not sure what it is but it's not a happy thing. I feel like a little girl again. I'm reliving, emotionally at least, that entire period of my life. Where I didn't have any friends, my family didn't really know anything was wrong so they couldn't help me, and I was too scared or embarrassed or something all the time to talk to them about it. I just wanted to be still and let it finish. To let it finally be over with so that I could run away. That's not exactly what it was then or now, but it's the closest that I can come up with. Thought I should get that out there. (Comment on this)